The Obama Show.

Michelle Obama is Clair Huxtable in real life. The end. Donezo. No explanation needed. 

Plus Barack Obama is totally an upgrade from The Cos. B-town is better looking, even if The Cos had WAY sweeter sweaters. 

And that would mean Michelle and Barack would have to have 3 more children. And two of them would have to be white. 

J/K. But why was Sondra so light?  20 years later and I still can't get over it. 

Kanye Turmoil.

Thinking about Kanye West is really, really tiring. I have as much reason to hate him as I do to love him.  How am I supposed to decide? 

Against:

He can't get over himself.  And then when people criticize him for not being able to get over himself he can't get over the fact that people can't get over him not getting over himself. 

He's a grown ass man and he throws tantrums. Straight up, drawn-out, no-shame having, crying real tears tantrums. That is not OK.

He samples way, way, WAY too much. Who is he trying to be? Puff Daddy?  You are not Mase and this is not "Harlem World". Note: I refuse to acknowledge his name change to "P. Diddy".  Don't be an enabler.  

He REALLY can't get over himself. He uses Louis Vuitton and Jesus Pieces as figurative band-aids for his OBVIOUS and massive insecurities. 

My problems with 808's and Heartbreak alone:

STEP AWAY FROM THE AUTO-TUNE. Using an auto-tune does not "magically" give you the ability to sing nor does it give you the right. Leave the auto-tune to Zapp & Roger and Cher (only in "Believe" because it is pure magic) and while you're at it take that shit away from T-Pain.  Lil' Wayne is allowed because he is my favorite. 

Stop sampling. You've proven yourself capable of creativity without sampling. So why resort to being cheap?

Although I do appreciate your departure from your usual style and the fact that this album is not an extension of "Graduation", you are NOT Andre 3000. Your experimentation with artsy Rn&B, although much more electronic based than "The Love Below", is not nearly as mind blowing as Andre 3000's effort. 

For:

He has really good skin. 

He wears pretty clothes. 

His samples are ridiculously fun. 

808's and Heartbreak is hypnotizing. 

He is a genius. 

What side wins? I'm unsure, but i'm still listening to 808's and I think I might like it. I still want to light his auto-tune on fire though.  Tie? 

I'm Over It

I'm unsure if it's a function of my age, my environment, or both but I'm over it. 

So. Over. It. 

I don't care what it is.  It can be anything.  The Economy.  Sarah Palin.  Baseball.  Goatees.  The media.  Contemporary music.  Babies.  Dogs.  Terrible remakes of classic Aaron Spelling shows that defined my childhood.  Skinny bitches.  Robots.  People who go by the name Pacman.  Sleep deprivation.  People who walk up to your car when it's stopped at the railroad tracks to proselytize.  Sharks who give virgin births.  Joe Biden's teeth. 

I'm also really over Goldlilocks.  That's right. Goldilocks. 

It is quite possibly the worst story ever.  Let's review. So there are these bears that live in the forest and one day they're like "Yo, let's make some porridge because that shit is delicious." So they make some porridge but then the little bear is like "Mom, who are you?  Hottest porridge ever.  Let's take a walk so the porridge can cool." The two elder bears agree and plus it's a really nice day outside and you know how bears are.  They're all about nature and nice days outside. 

As they're outside, this girl with the most ridiculous name ever, Goldilocks (I mean really, what's her last name?  Vanillaface?), breaks into their house.  She passes by the 46" Samsung flat screen, the Bears' fine china and silver, and goes straight for the porridge.  She's not a criminal; she's just hungry for porridge.    So after being mad picky about the temperature of her food, Goldilocks Vanillaface busts a fatty and decides she needs to take a nap. It is here and only here that she earns some points for me.

Except then she can't get over the size of her bed and since she's all picky and indecisive and shit, the bears discover her felonious ass chillin in their house.  The Bears are clearly surprised. I mean, it's a nice neighborhood really.  But before they can even react, Goldilocks does her best impression of Usain Bolt and peaces the hell out. 

And that's it.  What happens to her? Nothing. 

The bears are left with a broken home and some half eaten porridge.  Goldilocks gets away with a full stomach and half a nap.  

At least the other fairy tales try and teach us something.  Hansel and Gretel taught us 1) bring a SHIT LOAD of bread crumbs.  If you run out, you're fucking screwed.  2) Stranger Danger.  It doesn't matter how lost you are.  Houses made of candy are bad business. 

Little Red Riding Hood is also full of wise lessons.  1) Wolves WILL eat your grandma and then dress up in drag to fool you.  2) The lumberjack will save your ass, kill the wolf, and cut open the wolf's stomach to rescue your still very alive Grandma.  Feasible.  Really. 

So fuck you, Goldilocks.  You taught me nothing and I hope you choke on your porridge, you dirty whore.  

Titans

These Olympics remind me of how the athletes of my youth will always hold a special place in my heart.

I miss Flo Jo. Not only because her nickname was awesome, but really because she was the shit. 

Jackie Joyner-Kersee? Jackie Joyner-Fantastic.  Aside from her amazing athleticism, she taught me that hyphenating your last name could be surprisingly pleasant. 

And Carl Lewis.  Man, I miss him.  He was so small and fiery!! Also so versatile! Who's so fast but then also strong enough to jump farther than most people can throw? Thank you. 

I guess these new guys are OK and I guess they have fun names too.  Who knows? Tyson Gay and Walter Dix might be teaching the children of today that awkwardly sexual last names can be...surprisingly pleasant (?)

The tricky part and ultimately the most awesome feature of the Olympics is that it provides a stage for triumph just as much as it provides one for heartbreak.  Lolo Jones is my favorite bi-racial, female, 100 m hurdler.  And that's saying a lot because there are more out there than you'd think.  She was the favorite to win the Gold in the 100 m hurdles, but hit the 9th hurdle and dropped the lead and placed seventh.  I pretty much almost cried.  4 years of training gone in like 15 seconds.  

Too many emotion.  Probably I should all of a sudden become the universal conduit for unexpected tragedy.  But she sprang back and gave pretty much the most poised and collected post-race interview of ALL TIMES.  Like she was clearly disappointed, but then so mature about it and handled it with so much grace. Props to Lolo Jones.  Turning tragedy to triumph one Olympic loss at a time. 

Michael Phelps is ridiculously amazing, but it's not a surprise when he wins.  There's no danger or mystery.  There's no young, Chinese, motherfucker who might secretly usurp his Gold medal dreams like in GYMNASTICS. 

I love that shit.  It's so exciting.  Shawn Johnson? Adorable. I just want to put her in my pocket, which actually might be poss since she's only 4 foot 9. Frightening.

Nastia Liukin? So good.  And plus what a fun first name! It's technically the most gangsta name out there in the Artistic Gymnastic circuit. Unless there's someone named Glock 9 Medvedev or something.  Because then that would take first place. 

And much to the Man's chagrin, I secretly heart all those little Chinese fuckers too.  They're like my cousins.  I'll never love them as much as my brothers and sisters, but I'll still share my crayons with them and let them eat my cookie if I happen to be full. 

Too bad I'm a fatty and would eat the cookie anyway, so in the end America will still clinch victory.  So suck on that China.

 

Can We Talk About the Olympics?

I love love LOVE the Olympics.  Always have, always will.  I love everything about it.  The ridiculous overproduction of the Opening Ceremonies.  That fucking torch. The winter sports. The summer sports.  Jamaican Bobsled teams. The medal ceremony. National anthems. GYMNASTICS. Super cute baby Chinese athletes.  Scary looking Russian gymnasts. Synchronized diving. Archery. Badminton. Track and Field. AMERICA!

So I'm pretty much guaranteed happiness for two weeks every two years.  Thank you Greece, ok.  Fucking geniuses. 

Michael Phelps is pretty off the chain, but also so is his face.  People who think he's hot need to hang their heads in shame. 

Bela Karolyi is my favorite.  Hasn't he lived here for like 20 years now?  Why does he still talk like that?  He is adorable.  I want him to be my grandpa. 

These olympics are particularly hard for me because it pits my love for America against my heritage.  Go AMERICA, but dude Chinese people are so small, industrious, and clever!  How are they so good at diving?!? I dont get it! SO GOOD! 

Plus I love the color red. Not so much Communism, but I mean who's judging...really. 

That's pretty much all I've got.  I love the Olympics. 

Parameters Are Normal Thanks to Navy Training

So being in the Navy is fun mostly because it's very hard to explain what I do or what it's like. Everyone's favorite question is "What do you do out there in the middle of the ocean for 6 months?"

You know what I don't know, but we sure as hell keep busy. Shit is always, always going on even if nothing is going on.  Sometimes I get angry because teachers, laywers, prostitutes, doctors, movie theater ushers, etc never have to worry about explaining what they do because people just know. 

But then I remember that the above occupations don't have commercials to show the world what their job is like.   And if the Navy is good at anything, it's accurately depicting the reality of Navy life. Have you seen a Navy commercial lately?   It's a good thing that I'm all about deceiving young and underprivileged Americans because that's pretty much what they do. I'm sure very few people actually take the ads at face value, but who knows.  Despite their blatant over exaggeration, they are pretty bad ass and I love watching them. 

If you like Godsmack, you're in luck: 

If you're from an urban area, you too, can join the Navy:

The Navy sucks and won't let me steal this video from them, but it is secretly my favorite for obvious reasons. 

The Best of the 80's:

Now it's only fair to take a look at how some other countries do them and by other countries I mean Japan and Canada. 

Seamanship for love in Japan:

Don't fuck with Canada:

So that's what my job is like.  Not seamanship for love in Japan or Canada pretending that they're important, but the other videos.  But secretly if you really want to know, watch "Carrier" on PBS.  It very accurately depicts life at sea.  Now please stop asking. 

Nobody Kicks It Like I Kicks it

There are very few mainstream rap artists I enjoy, since the majority of the game is trite and tired as hell. Frankly I'm tired of being told to shake my ass. Nay, commanded to shake my ass.  I'll shake my ass whenever I darn well please, thank you very much. 

The few rappers that I can tolerate include Ludacris (love him), Kanye West (although Lord knows I have my issues with him), Lupe Fiasco, Big Boi and Andre 3000, and last but certainly not least Weezy F. Baby aka Lil Wayne/The Carter. 

There was a ridiculous amount of hype around The Carter III and so I waited a while to get it because hype sucks ass and it usually is exactly just that...hype. In this case The Carter III really is that good.  The best thing about The Carter III is that it doesn't make an effort to be different, or "conscious" or anything other than what we expect from Lil Wayne.  It provides lush production, insanely creative/ridiculous lyrics, in a package that is if nothing, entertaining. 

Lil Wayne is my favorite because he makes me laugh. A lot. Like pretty much in every verse he spits. I've put together a little collection of my favorite lines. 

"Abra cadabra I'm up like Viagra"- 3peat

Magical.

"I'm a Young Money Millionaire/Tougher than Nigerian hair/My criteria compared to your career just isn't fair/I'm a venereal disease/Like a menstrual bleed/Through the pencil it leak/On the sheet of the tablet in my mind"- A Milli

The fact that he combined Nigerian hair, venereal disease, and menstruation into one thought is hilarious.

"I wear bright red like a girl toe/No homo"- Let the Beat Build

I mean really? I do appreciate the "no homo" clarification though. 

"Swagger tighter than a yeast infection/Fly go hard like geese erection/Fashion patrol police detection/I stay tight like Chinese connection" - Dr. Carter

I don't really get it, but it's still really funny.  Probably like a geese erection!! What does that EVEN MEAN?!?

"We are not the same I am a martian/And I'm hotter than summer rain like Carl Thomas/Lock load ready to aim at any target/I can get your brains for a bargain/Like I bought it from Target/Hip Hop is my supermarket/Shoppin cart full of fake hip hop artists" - Phone Home

Not funny, but definitely clever. 

"Osh Kosh B'gosh/Posh Spice Husband/Couldn't kick it likes I kicks it/Cause BITCH I KICKS IT!"- Playing With Fire

He's so adamant about kicking it better than David Beckham. It's great. 

OK, that's it. But really, listen to The Carter III.  You'll be saying the Baby before you know it. 

America's Best (Black and Asian) Dance Crew

Reality television is my favorite.  I'm a little unsure of where it would rank among my favorite things, but I'm definitely thinking top third. Television elitists who consider reality TV to be the dredges of popular media need to GET OVER IT.  Just accept the fact that our culture is shallow and empty.  Or Shalempty as I like to call it. 

America's Best Dance Crew aired while I was deployed, but my buddy told me to watch the reruns of the first season and I clearly did not resist. Reality shows of the dancing competition variety are glorious.  Except for Dancing With the Stars.  I'm pretty sure only elderly people like that show. And by elderly people I mean our parents.  I don't know.  If watching Marie Osmond prancing around in a glittery outfit gets your blood racing, go for it.  I'll judge you, but only a little bit since you're old and frail. 

The fact that it's "Randy Jackson Presents: America's Best Dance Crew" threw me off. Mostly because he makes me want to die a little bit.  I don't really have a concrete reason.  It's kinda like how I don't like Coldplay or Onions.  I had a choice to either like or dislike them and I chose the latter. Free will, motherfuckers. Free. Will. 

But then he was on Paula Abdula's latest single "Dance Like There's No Tomorrow".  I don't understand why he's listed as an artist, but that song is ridiculous.  It makes me want to crawl into the fetal position and dance at the same time, which actually ends up being a pretty good core workout. 

The love/hate, fetal position/non-fetal position dichotomy is  deeply pervasive in America's Best Dance Crew.  I'll break it down. 

Reasons why I love the show: 

Mario Lopez. 

You know you're hot when you can pull off parachute pants and a mullet (I'd dare to call it a Jheri Curl) for the first half of your television career.  A.C. Slater was the non-conformist's alternative to Zack Morris.  Sure Zack had a killer cellular phone, but A.C. had the DIMPLES. Done and Done. 

J.C. Chasez.  J.C. Chasez is the Scottie Pippen of the Boy Band World.  Very talented but he played with Michael Jordan for the preponderance of his career.  Biggest shadow ever.  And both Scottie and J.C. are prone to making poor life decisions.  Scottie got arrested for D.U.I. in 1999.  J.C. dated Tara Reid. See? 

Lil' Mama.  

Why does she talk like that? I'm not talking about her thick Brooklyn accent, but she talks like everything she says is the TRUTH.  Like nothing else in the world could be truer.  I love it.  Isn't she supposed to be 12? I mean I'm pretty sure she's actually secretly 35, but probably you should have a "lil" in your name. Lies. 

All the best dancers are Black or Asian. 

 No one is surprised when a Black person can dance.  Mostly because stereotypes are always, always true. Everyone is surprised when an Asian person can dance because it means that they were practicing the robot during their childhood instead of programming their TI-83 calculators , which just doesn't make any sense. Up until now only Asian people have known that Asians can pull together some rhythm.  That's why I heart that there are a multitude of Asians all over this show. Especially the girly looking one with the speech impediment. He's my favorite. 

Reasons Why I Hate the Show:

Mario Lopez.  If I had to fight an inanimate object and/or abstract idea I would fight Mario Lopez's fashion sense.  I get the fact that he wants to show off his delicious body, but wearing mesh is NEVER OK.

J.C. Chasez.  After I get over the Scottie Pippen parallel I remember the following: He dated Tara Reid.  He made a song called  "Some Women (Dance With Women)".  He is not Justin Timberlake.  That's a little something I like to call 3 strikes.  

Lil' Mama.  She called Philadelphia a state. Twice. In less than 5 seconds.  Her lip gloss might be poppin, but her knowledge be floppin. Yes. I just said that. 

All the best dancers are Black or Asian.  So if Blacks and Asians share a dual domination over dancing, I should theoretically be a dancing machine. I mean seriously. I'm actually completely content with my dancing ability, but this show continually reminds me of my hypothetic potential and subsequent shortfalls. And that's some bullshit. 

In the end I don't really mind the love/hate relationship.  I'll keep loving the show (and also America) until it stops being shallow and empty. 

I love America. Happy Birthday, best country in the world. 

Fuck apples

It's summer in San Diego. I have no air conditioning and my apartment is hotter than a pair of sweaty balls.  I would open my door (yay screen door) and windows, but secretly my annoying neighbors make me want to die.  At first I thought it was going to end with them blasting R. Kelly's "Trapped In the Closet Volumes I until INFINITY" for a few hours, but then they KEPT ON DOING IT. FOR THREE DAYS STRAIGHT.  Then they started yelling and making weird noises, which is only OK when I do it.  So yeah. 

So I go the 711 across the street to get some vitamin water and ice cream (both proven remedies for equatorial heat and annoying neighbors) and I see this woman pulling her small child  out of the 711 in a stroller.  This child is about 2-3 years old and is clearly upset because it keeps on crying/yelling.  It sounds a little like "bllaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrghhhhwaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhachhhkeleeeeyyyyyyyyyyy".  You know.  Like that. 

So naturally his mom tries to placate the child and is like "APPLES!!! Honey...do you want APPLES!?! I have APPLES!!!!" To which the child responds with "waaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaawhhoooooooooo", which I'm guessing is baby talk for "Hell no, bitch."

Probably the child wants APPLES! Worst mom ever.  The child clearly wants the opposite of apples.  Give the child some sugar, new diapers, a loving touch, crack...I DON'T CARE. Children don't want healthy shit, ok.  They don't secretly crave kashi and soy milk or pilates with a shot of wheat grass.  Who knows though?  Maybe that baby did want some apples and then after he ate his deliciously healthy snack he would practice kabbalah and grow dirty white people dreadlocks.

I clearly can't get over it. 

In other news: John McCain is still old and Barack Obama is still Black.  Surprise!

Seward, Alaska

So if you ever get a chance to visit Alaska you probably should. I've been to Alaska twice in the past two weeks and secretly it's so fun. Think Astoria, Oregon (I've also been there thanks to the Navy) where "The Goonies" was filmed except with snow everywhere and sea otters and lumberjack dudes and a lot of whales and shit.

There are 13 bars in Seward, Alaska and I have been to all of them. They're fun. Here are some statistics:

Ridiculous beards spotted: 24
Abnormally large women as bartenders or bouncers: 5
Sea otters: 3
Bears: 1
Legit hardware stores: 1
Main roads: 1
Black people not in the Navy: 0
Blackouts: 2
Now that Alaska is done with, I've got to hit up Maine, the Dakotas, Wyoming, Nebraska (ew), Michigan, and probably some other ones in there that I forgot (non-real states) in order to complete the whole 50.

I'll be back in a little more than two weeks so that's pretty awesome. I miss San Diego like you wouldn't believe. It'll be weird not living on a ship or sporadically visiting land and binge drinking in order to relieve all the pent up aggression. Except maybe that's what college was like.

Again, I have no idea what is going on in the real world. Apparently Obama is catching up to Hillary. Probably I care.

The DC madam died? Probably I care.

I'm over it.

Remember when Monica Lewinsky thought it was cute to wear a beret? Random thought I know. But I think it's hilarious.

Here's to terrible headwear choices.

To everyone: I'll see or call you as soon as I get back to SD.

From Hong Kong

So after about 40 days at sea I'm now in Hong Kong. Thank God for land. You know you've been at sea for too long when you start finding unattractive dudes attractive. Not cute, ok. It's like beer goggles except without alcohol. Sea goggles, ok.

I heart Hong Kong. So many Asia. Narrow streets, shabby buildings, electronics, funky smells, stray dogs, skyscrapers, people with terrible haircuts and terrible teef. I heart it. Something that isn't fun about Asia is how my google is now in Chinese and I can't un-Chinese it because probably I forgot (never learned) to read Chinese. Probably!
But yeah, thanks to all who wished me a happy birthday! It was like any other day underway, except I got to eat this ridiculously SWEET dinner that they cook for all the people with birthdays in March and it was just the fattiest thing ever. So good.

I'll try and update this blog as much as possible with what I've been doing/where I've been/and random thoughts. I'm a bit disconnected with the world since I spend all my time in a warship actively patrolling the Pacific Ocean, but...yeah. The only connection I have is e-mails from friends/family/the People subscription my mom got me (it's great).

Some baby FYIs:

-No, I'm not still in Guam. I was there for a brief port visit earlier on in my deployment. The way it works is we are out at sea for the majority of the time and then will pull into port for a few days (average 3-4 days) and then will go back to sea for about 3-4 weeks (sometimes more).

-I get back in late May/early June and it's going to be glorious.

-I do not have access to facebook, gmail, or youtube. If you want to contact me, e-mail: zahra.osman@ddg53.navy.mil

What is going on in America? I'm so out of it. And fuck CNN.com. It's still useless. And the NYT is too bougie for me, ok with it's college level words. I need that shit DUMBED down because I don't have time for that shit. I need a Best Week Ever for international and national events.

I also need for all my friends to join the Navy and come on my ship.

I'm just saying.

Hillary Clinton cried?

So this really wasn't meant to be a politically driven blog, but really...can I escape it?

I caught the last 30 minutes of the Democratic portion of the ABC News/Facebook 1 Night, 2 Parties debates and I realized that it was the first time I actually "listened" to what the candidates were saying. I really had no reason to listen to them before because I had no reason to believe that anything they were saying would be worthwhile. I was SO many correct.

After listening to what the democrat candidates had to say last night, I've decided to offer my own translation for all the bullshit garble that came out of their mouths. Even though each candidate offered an impressive scope of bullshit, it was like they were saying the same thing over and over again. Kinda like middle-aged, bloated, Pokemon.

John Edwards: "Everybody, come look how tan my skin is. My father worked in the mills. My family was poor. Look at how much I represent the middle class! Too bad I'm secretly rich now. But...it's ok because I'm totally Southern and I CAN'T GET OVER IT!"

Barack Obama: *Before I describe what I perceived as his refrain, can I first discuss his voice? Have you ever heard him speak? I mean I had before last night, but I obviously wasn't paying attention. What a FUN voice! Like...seriously!

"Listen to the sound of my voice. It's pretty much like I'm a sexy robot. A black, well-educated, sexy, robot. Oprah loves me."

Bill Richardson: "I have the most ridiculous double-chin of all times. Let's talk about our energy crisis and by energy crisis I mean DONUTS. DONUTS, DONUTS, DONUTS."

Hillary Clinton: "I feel no real emotions. Also, I hate men."

But then...she cried?

On a completely different note: do you think Justin Timberlake thanks God every night for dodging the Britney Shambles Train?

Clean Slate in '08

2008 promises to be a fun year and by fun I mean it'll probably be just like any other year. Except you know....it is a presidential election year. And is it too early to be over it? Because secretly, I already am.

Here are some brief summaries of how I feel on each candidate based entirely on whimsy and personal opinion instead of any kind of substantial fact. I'm basically the average American voter. I will not vote for you if you wear an ugly sweater on an interview. Get a stylist.:

Democrats:

Hillary. Over it. Probably I should vote for you because you're a woman, a fantastical bitch, Bill's wife, and a "New Yorker". Gross.

Barack. I know. I'm supposed to back up my fellow half African, but really? How much experience DO you have? Wait...so you're trying to tell me that he hasn't even completed a full term in the National Senate? False. Try again. And it also really bothers me that he'll be getting an ass ton of the White Burden vote. Attention sympathetic White People: Your evangelical cousins will never let Barack win. It also doesn't help that his last name rhymes with Osama.

P.S. and I know he just won the Iowa caucus. Congrats, but try that shit in Alabama, son.

Edwards. He's hot and I'd probably do him if I was given 3 days and a bottle of Jack. Beyond that, I have no real interest in him.


Republicans:

John McCain. I heart him. I was brushing my teefs the other day, looked in the mirror, and realized that I might actually vote for him (if he ever makes it that far). Former Navy hero, POW, unafraid user of the racial epithet "Gook", and Congressional veteran. He's so fun and OLD. He's also secretly funny (ever seen him on the Daily Show?) and he totally rocks the grandpa sweater. Love him.

Mitt Romney. Am I the only one that's over him being a Mormon? What else? Oh, that's right. Nothing. Boring.

Mike Huckabee. I heart Huckabee(s). Too bad that's a falsie. Buck teeth. Bad hair. BORING.

Rudolph Giuliani. I only started not liking him after he decided to run for Prez. Unclear why. Why does he talk like that? Why is he named after a reindeer? I would totally fight him.

Fred Thompson. He's kinda gangster because he doesn't really care about shit, but like...still wants to be president. So....old...though.

Ron Paul. LOVE HIM. He's so fun and fiery! And his "cut the crap" style is totally youth friendly and completely reminiscent of Howard Dean. I'm just waiting for an out of the blue surge in the polls followed by an equally as out of the blue "BYEAAAAAAAAH"-esque downfall.

Sigh. I wish Al Sharpton was a viable candidate. It's time for a perm in the first term, ya'll.