So this really wasn't meant to be a politically driven blog, but really...can I escape it?
I caught the last 30 minutes of the Democratic portion of the ABC News/Facebook 1 Night, 2 Parties debates and I realized that it was the first time I actually "listened" to what the candidates were saying. I really had no reason to listen to them before because I had no reason to believe that anything they were saying would be worthwhile. I was SO many correct.
After listening to what the democrat candidates had to say last night, I've decided to offer my own translation for all the bullshit garble that came out of their mouths. Even though each candidate offered an impressive scope of bullshit, it was like they were saying the same thing over and over again. Kinda like middle-aged, bloated, Pokemon.
John Edwards: "Everybody, come look how tan my skin is. My father worked in the mills. My family was poor. Look at how much I represent the middle class! Too bad I'm secretly rich now. But...it's ok because I'm totally Southern and I CAN'T GET OVER IT!"
Barack Obama: *Before I describe what I perceived as his refrain, can I first discuss his voice? Have you ever heard him speak? I mean I had before last night, but I obviously wasn't paying attention. What a FUN voice! Like...seriously!
"Listen to the sound of my voice. It's pretty much like I'm a sexy robot. A black, well-educated, sexy, robot. Oprah loves me."
Bill Richardson: "I have the most ridiculous double-chin of all times. Let's talk about our energy crisis and by energy crisis I mean DONUTS. DONUTS, DONUTS, DONUTS."
Hillary Clinton: "I feel no real emotions. Also, I hate men."
But then...she cried?
On a completely different note: do you think Justin Timberlake thanks God every night for dodging the Britney Shambles Train?
Monday, January 7, 2008
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Clean Slate in '08
2008 promises to be a fun year and by fun I mean it'll probably be just like any other year. Except you know....it is a presidential election year. And is it too early to be over it? Because secretly, I already am.
Here are some brief summaries of how I feel on each candidate based entirely on whimsy and personal opinion instead of any kind of substantial fact. I'm basically the average American voter. I will not vote for you if you wear an ugly sweater on an interview. Get a stylist.:
Democrats:
Hillary. Over it. Probably I should vote for you because you're a woman, a fantastical bitch, Bill's wife, and a "New Yorker". Gross.
Barack. I know. I'm supposed to back up my fellow half African, but really? How much experience DO you have? Wait...so you're trying to tell me that he hasn't even completed a full term in the National Senate? False. Try again. And it also really bothers me that he'll be getting an ass ton of the White Burden vote. Attention sympathetic White People: Your evangelical cousins will never let Barack win. It also doesn't help that his last name rhymes with Osama.
P.S. and I know he just won the Iowa caucus. Congrats, but try that shit in Alabama, son.
Edwards. He's hot and I'd probably do him if I was given 3 days and a bottle of Jack. Beyond that, I have no real interest in him.
Republicans:
John McCain. I heart him. I was brushing my teefs the other day, looked in the mirror, and realized that I might actually vote for him (if he ever makes it that far). Former Navy hero, POW, unafraid user of the racial epithet "Gook", and Congressional veteran. He's so fun and OLD. He's also secretly funny (ever seen him on the Daily Show?) and he totally rocks the grandpa sweater. Love him.
Mitt Romney. Am I the only one that's over him being a Mormon? What else? Oh, that's right. Nothing. Boring.
Mike Huckabee. I heart Huckabee(s). Too bad that's a falsie. Buck teeth. Bad hair. BORING.
Rudolph Giuliani. I only started not liking him after he decided to run for Prez. Unclear why. Why does he talk like that? Why is he named after a reindeer? I would totally fight him.
Fred Thompson. He's kinda gangster because he doesn't really care about shit, but like...still wants to be president. So....old...though.
Ron Paul. LOVE HIM. He's so fun and fiery! And his "cut the crap" style is totally youth friendly and completely reminiscent of Howard Dean. I'm just waiting for an out of the blue surge in the polls followed by an equally as out of the blue "BYEAAAAAAAAH"-esque downfall.
Sigh. I wish Al Sharpton was a viable candidate. It's time for a perm in the first term, ya'll.
Here are some brief summaries of how I feel on each candidate based entirely on whimsy and personal opinion instead of any kind of substantial fact. I'm basically the average American voter. I will not vote for you if you wear an ugly sweater on an interview. Get a stylist.:
Democrats:
Hillary. Over it. Probably I should vote for you because you're a woman, a fantastical bitch, Bill's wife, and a "New Yorker". Gross.
Barack. I know. I'm supposed to back up my fellow half African, but really? How much experience DO you have? Wait...so you're trying to tell me that he hasn't even completed a full term in the National Senate? False. Try again. And it also really bothers me that he'll be getting an ass ton of the White Burden vote. Attention sympathetic White People: Your evangelical cousins will never let Barack win. It also doesn't help that his last name rhymes with Osama.
P.S. and I know he just won the Iowa caucus. Congrats, but try that shit in Alabama, son.
Edwards. He's hot and I'd probably do him if I was given 3 days and a bottle of Jack. Beyond that, I have no real interest in him.
Republicans:
John McCain. I heart him. I was brushing my teefs the other day, looked in the mirror, and realized that I might actually vote for him (if he ever makes it that far). Former Navy hero, POW, unafraid user of the racial epithet "Gook", and Congressional veteran. He's so fun and OLD. He's also secretly funny (ever seen him on the Daily Show?) and he totally rocks the grandpa sweater. Love him.
Mitt Romney. Am I the only one that's over him being a Mormon? What else? Oh, that's right. Nothing. Boring.
Mike Huckabee. I heart Huckabee(s). Too bad that's a falsie. Buck teeth. Bad hair. BORING.
Rudolph Giuliani. I only started not liking him after he decided to run for Prez. Unclear why. Why does he talk like that? Why is he named after a reindeer? I would totally fight him.
Fred Thompson. He's kinda gangster because he doesn't really care about shit, but like...still wants to be president. So....old...though.
Ron Paul. LOVE HIM. He's so fun and fiery! And his "cut the crap" style is totally youth friendly and completely reminiscent of Howard Dean. I'm just waiting for an out of the blue surge in the polls followed by an equally as out of the blue "BYEAAAAAAAAH"-esque downfall.
Sigh. I wish Al Sharpton was a viable candidate. It's time for a perm in the first term, ya'll.
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