Clean Slate in '08

2008 promises to be a fun year and by fun I mean it'll probably be just like any other year. Except you know....it is a presidential election year. And is it too early to be over it? Because secretly, I already am.

Here are some brief summaries of how I feel on each candidate based entirely on whimsy and personal opinion instead of any kind of substantial fact. I'm basically the average American voter. I will not vote for you if you wear an ugly sweater on an interview. Get a stylist.:

Democrats:

Hillary. Over it. Probably I should vote for you because you're a woman, a fantastical bitch, Bill's wife, and a "New Yorker". Gross.

Barack. I know. I'm supposed to back up my fellow half African, but really? How much experience DO you have? Wait...so you're trying to tell me that he hasn't even completed a full term in the National Senate? False. Try again. And it also really bothers me that he'll be getting an ass ton of the White Burden vote. Attention sympathetic White People: Your evangelical cousins will never let Barack win. It also doesn't help that his last name rhymes with Osama.

P.S. and I know he just won the Iowa caucus. Congrats, but try that shit in Alabama, son.

Edwards. He's hot and I'd probably do him if I was given 3 days and a bottle of Jack. Beyond that, I have no real interest in him.


Republicans:

John McCain. I heart him. I was brushing my teefs the other day, looked in the mirror, and realized that I might actually vote for him (if he ever makes it that far). Former Navy hero, POW, unafraid user of the racial epithet "Gook", and Congressional veteran. He's so fun and OLD. He's also secretly funny (ever seen him on the Daily Show?) and he totally rocks the grandpa sweater. Love him.

Mitt Romney. Am I the only one that's over him being a Mormon? What else? Oh, that's right. Nothing. Boring.

Mike Huckabee. I heart Huckabee(s). Too bad that's a falsie. Buck teeth. Bad hair. BORING.

Rudolph Giuliani. I only started not liking him after he decided to run for Prez. Unclear why. Why does he talk like that? Why is he named after a reindeer? I would totally fight him.

Fred Thompson. He's kinda gangster because he doesn't really care about shit, but like...still wants to be president. So....old...though.

Ron Paul. LOVE HIM. He's so fun and fiery! And his "cut the crap" style is totally youth friendly and completely reminiscent of Howard Dean. I'm just waiting for an out of the blue surge in the polls followed by an equally as out of the blue "BYEAAAAAAAAH"-esque downfall.

Sigh. I wish Al Sharpton was a viable candidate. It's time for a perm in the first term, ya'll.