Parameters Are Normal Thanks to Navy Training

So being in the Navy is fun mostly because it's very hard to explain what I do or what it's like. Everyone's favorite question is "What do you do out there in the middle of the ocean for 6 months?"

You know what I don't know, but we sure as hell keep busy. Shit is always, always going on even if nothing is going on.  Sometimes I get angry because teachers, laywers, prostitutes, doctors, movie theater ushers, etc never have to worry about explaining what they do because people just know. 

But then I remember that the above occupations don't have commercials to show the world what their job is like.   And if the Navy is good at anything, it's accurately depicting the reality of Navy life. Have you seen a Navy commercial lately?   It's a good thing that I'm all about deceiving young and underprivileged Americans because that's pretty much what they do. I'm sure very few people actually take the ads at face value, but who knows.  Despite their blatant over exaggeration, they are pretty bad ass and I love watching them. 

If you like Godsmack, you're in luck: 

If you're from an urban area, you too, can join the Navy:

The Navy sucks and won't let me steal this video from them, but it is secretly my favorite for obvious reasons. 

The Best of the 80's:

Now it's only fair to take a look at how some other countries do them and by other countries I mean Japan and Canada. 

Seamanship for love in Japan:

Don't fuck with Canada:

So that's what my job is like.  Not seamanship for love in Japan or Canada pretending that they're important, but the other videos.  But secretly if you really want to know, watch "Carrier" on PBS.  It very accurately depicts life at sea.  Now please stop asking. 

Nobody Kicks It Like I Kicks it

There are very few mainstream rap artists I enjoy, since the majority of the game is trite and tired as hell. Frankly I'm tired of being told to shake my ass. Nay, commanded to shake my ass.  I'll shake my ass whenever I darn well please, thank you very much. 

The few rappers that I can tolerate include Ludacris (love him), Kanye West (although Lord knows I have my issues with him), Lupe Fiasco, Big Boi and Andre 3000, and last but certainly not least Weezy F. Baby aka Lil Wayne/The Carter. 

There was a ridiculous amount of hype around The Carter III and so I waited a while to get it because hype sucks ass and it usually is exactly just that...hype. In this case The Carter III really is that good.  The best thing about The Carter III is that it doesn't make an effort to be different, or "conscious" or anything other than what we expect from Lil Wayne.  It provides lush production, insanely creative/ridiculous lyrics, in a package that is if nothing, entertaining. 

Lil Wayne is my favorite because he makes me laugh. A lot. Like pretty much in every verse he spits. I've put together a little collection of my favorite lines. 

"Abra cadabra I'm up like Viagra"- 3peat

Magical.

"I'm a Young Money Millionaire/Tougher than Nigerian hair/My criteria compared to your career just isn't fair/I'm a venereal disease/Like a menstrual bleed/Through the pencil it leak/On the sheet of the tablet in my mind"- A Milli

The fact that he combined Nigerian hair, venereal disease, and menstruation into one thought is hilarious.

"I wear bright red like a girl toe/No homo"- Let the Beat Build

I mean really? I do appreciate the "no homo" clarification though. 

"Swagger tighter than a yeast infection/Fly go hard like geese erection/Fashion patrol police detection/I stay tight like Chinese connection" - Dr. Carter

I don't really get it, but it's still really funny.  Probably like a geese erection!! What does that EVEN MEAN?!?

"We are not the same I am a martian/And I'm hotter than summer rain like Carl Thomas/Lock load ready to aim at any target/I can get your brains for a bargain/Like I bought it from Target/Hip Hop is my supermarket/Shoppin cart full of fake hip hop artists" - Phone Home

Not funny, but definitely clever. 

"Osh Kosh B'gosh/Posh Spice Husband/Couldn't kick it likes I kicks it/Cause BITCH I KICKS IT!"- Playing With Fire

He's so adamant about kicking it better than David Beckham. It's great. 

OK, that's it. But really, listen to The Carter III.  You'll be saying the Baby before you know it. 

America's Best (Black and Asian) Dance Crew

Reality television is my favorite.  I'm a little unsure of where it would rank among my favorite things, but I'm definitely thinking top third. Television elitists who consider reality TV to be the dredges of popular media need to GET OVER IT.  Just accept the fact that our culture is shallow and empty.  Or Shalempty as I like to call it. 

America's Best Dance Crew aired while I was deployed, but my buddy told me to watch the reruns of the first season and I clearly did not resist. Reality shows of the dancing competition variety are glorious.  Except for Dancing With the Stars.  I'm pretty sure only elderly people like that show. And by elderly people I mean our parents.  I don't know.  If watching Marie Osmond prancing around in a glittery outfit gets your blood racing, go for it.  I'll judge you, but only a little bit since you're old and frail. 

The fact that it's "Randy Jackson Presents: America's Best Dance Crew" threw me off. Mostly because he makes me want to die a little bit.  I don't really have a concrete reason.  It's kinda like how I don't like Coldplay or Onions.  I had a choice to either like or dislike them and I chose the latter. Free will, motherfuckers. Free. Will. 

But then he was on Paula Abdula's latest single "Dance Like There's No Tomorrow".  I don't understand why he's listed as an artist, but that song is ridiculous.  It makes me want to crawl into the fetal position and dance at the same time, which actually ends up being a pretty good core workout. 

The love/hate, fetal position/non-fetal position dichotomy is  deeply pervasive in America's Best Dance Crew.  I'll break it down. 

Reasons why I love the show: 

Mario Lopez. 

You know you're hot when you can pull off parachute pants and a mullet (I'd dare to call it a Jheri Curl) for the first half of your television career.  A.C. Slater was the non-conformist's alternative to Zack Morris.  Sure Zack had a killer cellular phone, but A.C. had the DIMPLES. Done and Done. 

J.C. Chasez.  J.C. Chasez is the Scottie Pippen of the Boy Band World.  Very talented but he played with Michael Jordan for the preponderance of his career.  Biggest shadow ever.  And both Scottie and J.C. are prone to making poor life decisions.  Scottie got arrested for D.U.I. in 1999.  J.C. dated Tara Reid. See? 

Lil' Mama.  

Why does she talk like that? I'm not talking about her thick Brooklyn accent, but she talks like everything she says is the TRUTH.  Like nothing else in the world could be truer.  I love it.  Isn't she supposed to be 12? I mean I'm pretty sure she's actually secretly 35, but probably you should have a "lil" in your name. Lies. 

All the best dancers are Black or Asian. 

 No one is surprised when a Black person can dance.  Mostly because stereotypes are always, always true. Everyone is surprised when an Asian person can dance because it means that they were practicing the robot during their childhood instead of programming their TI-83 calculators , which just doesn't make any sense. Up until now only Asian people have known that Asians can pull together some rhythm.  That's why I heart that there are a multitude of Asians all over this show. Especially the girly looking one with the speech impediment. He's my favorite. 

Reasons Why I Hate the Show:

Mario Lopez.  If I had to fight an inanimate object and/or abstract idea I would fight Mario Lopez's fashion sense.  I get the fact that he wants to show off his delicious body, but wearing mesh is NEVER OK.

J.C. Chasez.  After I get over the Scottie Pippen parallel I remember the following: He dated Tara Reid.  He made a song called  "Some Women (Dance With Women)".  He is not Justin Timberlake.  That's a little something I like to call 3 strikes.  

Lil' Mama.  She called Philadelphia a state. Twice. In less than 5 seconds.  Her lip gloss might be poppin, but her knowledge be floppin. Yes. I just said that. 

All the best dancers are Black or Asian.  So if Blacks and Asians share a dual domination over dancing, I should theoretically be a dancing machine. I mean seriously. I'm actually completely content with my dancing ability, but this show continually reminds me of my hypothetic potential and subsequent shortfalls. And that's some bullshit. 

In the end I don't really mind the love/hate relationship.  I'll keep loving the show (and also America) until it stops being shallow and empty. 

I love America. Happy Birthday, best country in the world.