So. Over. It.
I don't care what it is. It can be anything. The Economy. Sarah Palin. Baseball. Goatees. The media. Contemporary music. Babies. Dogs. Terrible remakes of classic Aaron Spelling shows that defined my childhood. Skinny bitches. Robots. People who go by the name Pacman. Sleep deprivation. People who walk up to your car when it's stopped at the railroad tracks to proselytize. Sharks who give virgin births. Joe Biden's teeth.
I'm also really over Goldlilocks. That's right. Goldilocks.
It is quite possibly the worst story ever. Let's review. So there are these bears that live in the forest and one day they're like "Yo, let's make some porridge because that shit is delicious." So they make some porridge but then the little bear is like "Mom, who are you? Hottest porridge ever. Let's take a walk so the porridge can cool." The two elder bears agree and plus it's a really nice day outside and you know how bears are. They're all about nature and nice days outside.
As they're outside, this girl with the most ridiculous name ever, Goldilocks (I mean really, what's her last name? Vanillaface?), breaks into their house. She passes by the 46" Samsung flat screen, the Bears' fine china and silver, and goes straight for the porridge. She's not a criminal; she's just hungry for porridge. So after being mad picky about the temperature of her food, Goldilocks Vanillaface busts a fatty and decides she needs to take a nap. It is here and only here that she earns some points for me.
Except then she can't get over the size of her bed and since she's all picky and indecisive and shit, the bears discover her felonious ass chillin in their house. The Bears are clearly surprised. I mean, it's a nice neighborhood really. But before they can even react, Goldilocks does her best impression of Usain Bolt and peaces the hell out.
And that's it. What happens to her? Nothing.
The bears are left with a broken home and some half eaten porridge. Goldilocks gets away with a full stomach and half a nap.
At least the other fairy tales try and teach us something. Hansel and Gretel taught us 1) bring a SHIT LOAD of bread crumbs. If you run out, you're fucking screwed. 2) Stranger Danger. It doesn't matter how lost you are. Houses made of candy are bad business.
Little Red Riding Hood is also full of wise lessons. 1) Wolves WILL eat your grandma and then dress up in drag to fool you. 2) The lumberjack will save your ass, kill the wolf, and cut open the wolf's stomach to rescue your still very alive Grandma. Feasible. Really.
So fuck you, Goldilocks. You taught me nothing and I hope you choke on your porridge, you dirty whore.
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