Proof That Jude Law Ruins Lives

I don't expect this to blow your mind, but G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra was the most ridiculous movie I've seen in recent memory. I truly wish that there was a way I could have recorded my internal monologue.  If that technology were available (seriously, what's taking so long?) it would have went a little like this:

Oh, Channing Tatum. You are delicious. And look at that little scar on your face. So mysterious. Wait, Marlon Wayons is in this? Dude, why is he getting old? Is he...balding? 

Yeah. Definitely balding. 

Is that Krista Allen? As in Billie from Days of Our Lives? And Nick's prostitute girlfriend from CSI? What? Can we say upgrade? 

Dennis Quaid!!! I love, Dennis Quaid. Oh, man. Remember when he was married to Meg Ryan? And then she totally messed around with Russell Crowe, destroyed her marriage and now her face looks like this? Team Dennis totally wins. And even though he's older, he's definitely still hot. Plus he's wearing a beret and pulling it off. Kudos. 

Brendan Fraser? What? What are you doing with your life? If this movie was made 10 years ago, you would have played Channing T's character, but alas you are now playing the rando Sergeant in the training montage.  Sigh. Rachel Weisz escaped the Mummy and went on to win an Oscar. You went on to make this. P.S. Yeah, Bridget Fonda was in that movie. But really, in the end it doesn't matter because his body of work is SO FUN. 

Oh. My. God.  That's not Billie from Days of Our Lives. It's SIENNA MILLER. What?! YEAH she was secretly hiding under her wig and glasses. So sneaky.  How did I not know this? Are times truly that hard? How did she go from "it girl" to playing a villainess with a terrible wig? Did Jude Law screw her life up that terribly? I'm going to go ahead and say yes. Probably because I hate Jude Law. Why does his American accent sound like that? Why is he so sketchy? Why did he force me to like him in The Holiday? 

JOSEPH GORDON LEVITT! Yeah you're in two movies this summer! Who saw that comeback coming? Not me. Well played, sir. I'm glad you didn't fade into childhood star oblivion. Mostly because Angels In the Outfield has a special place in my heart. Who remembers Dermot Mulroney playing JGL's deadbeat dad? 

JGL: "When will I see you again, Dad?" 

Dermot Mulroney in a sweet biker jacket: "When the Angels win the Pennant."  

Even my 8 year old self knew Dermot Mulroney was hot. Go, 8 year old me. 

Wait, what? Is this really the plot twist? Did M. Night Shyamalan ghost write this? Because that would be awesome.  But seriously, whoever wrote this needs to crawl into a corner and die. 

That was a pretty sweet explosion. 

Why is kettle corn not an option at movie theaters?

Yeah they incorporated an aircraft carrier! My future place of employment!

Here we go. Wait for it. Channing Tatum extending his acting horizons. So. Good. 

And fin. 

Just In Case You Forgot

I am patiently awaiting Freddie Prinze Jr's return. 

Best in the World.

There are a few true facts in the world. One of them is that Puff Daddy thinks he is the best dancer in the world. 

That Just Happened.

I don't know if you know this, but giving birth without even knowing you were pregnant in the first place is really in right now. Discovery Health has a show aptly entitled "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant".  And on top of that it happened in real life to a girl who is on my friend's ship. 

I really can't get over it. I understand unplanned pregnancies, but unknown pregnancies are quiet possibly the most frightening thing of all time.  Having a baby out of nowhere is definitely on my top 5 list of fears. It ranks somewhere in between getting my brain eaten by zombies and sharing a needle with Amy Winehouse. 

The frightening part of the whole scenario is that these women truly had NO IDEA that they were pregnant. How is that even possible!?!  In case you were wondering, it really boils down to a few common denominators.  All women who gave birth unexpectedly met at least 1 of the following 3 conditions. 

1. Used the Rhythm Method as their primary means of birth control. Not exactly the most precise form of birth control. And by "not exactly" I maybe mean who actually still uses it and expects it to work?
2. Had Irregular periods. Lucky bitches. 
3. Were Fat. Not so lucky bitches. 

Each of the above conditions are innocuous enough by themselves, but when combined with one or more of the other conditions they form a dangerous recipe for Unexpected Baby Having- or UBH for short.  If you meet more than one of the above pre-requisites, you are in all likelihood growing a little baby human in your uterus. Right. Now. 

Good thing you can always exploit your sorrow/dumbassness by selling your story to Discovery Health. Money in the baaaaaaank. Count it. 

Walk It Off.

I'm driving across the country because I'm moving back to the East Coast (temporarily) and I've decided to make the theme of this trip: "Places I'll never, ever, ever visit again." 

Naturally, I made Salt Lake City, Utah my first destination.  The last time I was in SLC, I was approx 3 months old. Glad I waited 24 years to return because it is SO. FAR. AWAY. Longest drive ever.

So I'm about an hour North of Las Vegas and I see a sign that reads "PRISON AREA. HITCH HIKING PROHIBITED".  First of all- thank you, Nevada, for introducing a new and horrific scenario into my head. 

Second- imagine if you just escaped from prison and you were SO READY to get the fuck out of there and you saw that sign? Worst. Buzzkill. Ever. 

A few hours later (Nevada is huge for no reason) I see a dog in the middle of the road. I baby swerve to the right to avoid it, but then it turns in the complete opposite direction so I baby swerve back to the left. 

At this point I am annoyed.  Who does that? Am I secretly stuck in a dog version of Frogger?

But as I get closer it starts to look more like a coyote and less like a dog. And as I get a little closer it actually starts to look like a wolf. At one point I might have thought it was a hyena. Unclear. I didn't major in zoology.  Not my fault. 

As soon as I pass it, I look in my rear window and I see that it has AGAIN reversed direction and appears to be pacing leisurely on a major interstate.  My annoyance slowly turns to fascination at this desert beast's ennui in the face of certain death. 

I contemplate a few potential back stories and decide that there are only two plausible scenarios. 

• His coyote wife is in labor in their den a few clicks beyond the interstate and he's pacing off the anxiety. 

• He is pledging a frat and his brothers stripped him naked, dumped him out on the highway 50 miles away from the house, and now he must find his way back. Blindfolded. And wasted.

It really is a win-win for me. If there are two things I love in this world, it's babies and hazing. But not baby hazing, because that is just wrong. 

First Time.

Today I saw a homeless man with a sweet beard with three little braids coming out of it. He was eating what seemed to be a very delicious burrito. Crowded around him were three very, very cute puppies. 

First time I've ever seriously contemplated homelessness. 

Once is Enough

Remember when Rihanna took back Chris Brown?  Worst decision EVER. 

Hasn't she seen Jennifer Lopez's cinematic gem "Enough"? 

What she needs to do is go into hiding, get a black bald man as her life/getting even coach, and then engage in a battle to the death, where she would ultimately win. Because that's how it always goes. 

More importantly her character's name is Slim, which I never understood.  Slim as in Shady? Slim as in Thug?  Slim as in Fast? Who names their child that? 

Anyway, the point is that Rihanna needs to 1) get away from the dude who hit her with his umbrella-ella-ella and 2) beef up on J-Lo's movie catalog. 

The latter being more important, obviously. Maid in Manhattan anyone? 

Just wondering.

Why is Dierks Bentley's name like that?

Really?

IRS Don't Play Around (Most of the Time)

Remember when Benjamin Franklin said that "In this world nothing is certain but death and taxes"?  Too bad he failed to mention that the axiom apparently only applies to average  people and candidates for presidential cabinet positions. Otherwise people don't give a shit if you pay your shit.

Tom Daschle, Nancy Killefer, Timothy Geithner: I'm going to need for you motherfuckers to pay your taxes. 

That is all. 

Waiting to Exhale. Not.

Waiting to Exhale is the most depressing movie ever made. 

EVER.

For black women it serves as a constant reminder of the distinct possibility that we will all end up loveless and alone.  The film convinces us that we'll inevitably end up in one of the 4 situations portrayed; each one more depressing than the next. I'll quote directly from Wikipedia on its premise:

"Savannah Jackson (Whitney Houston) is a television producer who holds on to the belief that one day her married lover (Dennis Haysbert) will leave his wife for her.  Bernadine Harris (Angela Bassett) abandoned her own career and desires of having a catering business to raise a family.  Her husband (Michael Beach) is now leaving her for a white woman.  Robin Stokes (Lela Rochon) is the long time mistress of Russell (Leon).  After dumping him she has problems finding a decent man of her own.  Gloria Matthews (Loretta Devine) is a beauty salon owner and single mother raising a teenage son.  After years alone, she falls in love with a new neighbor, Marvin King (Gregory Hines). "

It's message? No one will ever love you. You will search for love in all the wrong places.  You will settle for a fat dude. Your ex-husband will be gay (a point Wikipedia left out in Loretta Devine's storyline).  Your husband will leave you for his white secretary. And the only person who will love you is a really old Gregory Hines (R.I.P). 

And don't get me wrong.  I love me some Gregory Hines. LOVE me some Gregory Hines. From Tap to White Nights and even to this role.  But even his sweet, sad eyes couldn't erase the ridiculous misery that saturates the entire film.

It's Forest Whitaker's directorial debut and as a movie it's not bad. But dude, there is no ray of light or inkling of hope ANYWHERE in that movie. The two that they try to provide are cop-outs and I'm going to call their asses out. 

The friendship among the four ladies is supposed to be a consolation prize for all the other disappointments.  I love my friends a LOT, but FUCK that. Is it the same? Lies. I find the suggestion insulting. 

And then there's the ending. To be honest I forgot exactly how it ends, but I'm pretty sure Whitney exhales or maybe they all exhale because they realize they're all friends and they love each other and even though the rest of their lives are in shambles they'll all be OK. 

Shenanigans. Worst ending ever. 

I'll let Whitney Houston hold her breath, but I'm not waiting for anything. Not even for crack cocaine, because you know that's what she's waiting for. 

MC Such and Such

Joaquin Phoenix, who has played such sweet roles as Johnny Cash and the creepy incestuous brother/Russell Crowe hater in Gladiator, has decided to forge a career in spittin' hot fire. 

Worst. Idea. Ever. 

Apparently he has also decided to grow a beard, wear a trendy hat, and become a street person. 

Best. Idea. Ever.