Best in the World.

There are a few true facts in the world. One of them is that Puff Daddy thinks he is the best dancer in the world. 

That Just Happened.

I don't know if you know this, but giving birth without even knowing you were pregnant in the first place is really in right now. Discovery Health has a show aptly entitled "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant".  And on top of that it happened in real life to a girl who is on my friend's ship. 

I really can't get over it. I understand unplanned pregnancies, but unknown pregnancies are quiet possibly the most frightening thing of all time.  Having a baby out of nowhere is definitely on my top 5 list of fears. It ranks somewhere in between getting my brain eaten by zombies and sharing a needle with Amy Winehouse. 

The frightening part of the whole scenario is that these women truly had NO IDEA that they were pregnant. How is that even possible!?!  In case you were wondering, it really boils down to a few common denominators.  All women who gave birth unexpectedly met at least 1 of the following 3 conditions. 

1. Used the Rhythm Method as their primary means of birth control. Not exactly the most precise form of birth control. And by "not exactly" I maybe mean who actually still uses it and expects it to work?
2. Had Irregular periods. Lucky bitches. 
3. Were Fat. Not so lucky bitches. 

Each of the above conditions are innocuous enough by themselves, but when combined with one or more of the other conditions they form a dangerous recipe for Unexpected Baby Having- or UBH for short.  If you meet more than one of the above pre-requisites, you are in all likelihood growing a little baby human in your uterus. Right. Now. 

Good thing you can always exploit your sorrow/dumbassness by selling your story to Discovery Health. Money in the baaaaaaank. Count it. 

Walk It Off.

I'm driving across the country because I'm moving back to the East Coast (temporarily) and I've decided to make the theme of this trip: "Places I'll never, ever, ever visit again." 

Naturally, I made Salt Lake City, Utah my first destination.  The last time I was in SLC, I was approx 3 months old. Glad I waited 24 years to return because it is SO. FAR. AWAY. Longest drive ever.

So I'm about an hour North of Las Vegas and I see a sign that reads "PRISON AREA. HITCH HIKING PROHIBITED".  First of all- thank you, Nevada, for introducing a new and horrific scenario into my head. 

Second- imagine if you just escaped from prison and you were SO READY to get the fuck out of there and you saw that sign? Worst. Buzzkill. Ever. 

A few hours later (Nevada is huge for no reason) I see a dog in the middle of the road. I baby swerve to the right to avoid it, but then it turns in the complete opposite direction so I baby swerve back to the left. 

At this point I am annoyed.  Who does that? Am I secretly stuck in a dog version of Frogger?

But as I get closer it starts to look more like a coyote and less like a dog. And as I get a little closer it actually starts to look like a wolf. At one point I might have thought it was a hyena. Unclear. I didn't major in zoology.  Not my fault. 

As soon as I pass it, I look in my rear window and I see that it has AGAIN reversed direction and appears to be pacing leisurely on a major interstate.  My annoyance slowly turns to fascination at this desert beast's ennui in the face of certain death. 

I contemplate a few potential back stories and decide that there are only two plausible scenarios. 

• His coyote wife is in labor in their den a few clicks beyond the interstate and he's pacing off the anxiety. 

• He is pledging a frat and his brothers stripped him naked, dumped him out on the highway 50 miles away from the house, and now he must find his way back. Blindfolded. And wasted.

It really is a win-win for me. If there are two things I love in this world, it's babies and hazing. But not baby hazing, because that is just wrong.