Walk It Off.

I'm driving across the country because I'm moving back to the East Coast (temporarily) and I've decided to make the theme of this trip: "Places I'll never, ever, ever visit again." 

Naturally, I made Salt Lake City, Utah my first destination.  The last time I was in SLC, I was approx 3 months old. Glad I waited 24 years to return because it is SO. FAR. AWAY. Longest drive ever.

So I'm about an hour North of Las Vegas and I see a sign that reads "PRISON AREA. HITCH HIKING PROHIBITED".  First of all- thank you, Nevada, for introducing a new and horrific scenario into my head. 

Second- imagine if you just escaped from prison and you were SO READY to get the fuck out of there and you saw that sign? Worst. Buzzkill. Ever. 

A few hours later (Nevada is huge for no reason) I see a dog in the middle of the road. I baby swerve to the right to avoid it, but then it turns in the complete opposite direction so I baby swerve back to the left. 

At this point I am annoyed.  Who does that? Am I secretly stuck in a dog version of Frogger?

But as I get closer it starts to look more like a coyote and less like a dog. And as I get a little closer it actually starts to look like a wolf. At one point I might have thought it was a hyena. Unclear. I didn't major in zoology.  Not my fault. 

As soon as I pass it, I look in my rear window and I see that it has AGAIN reversed direction and appears to be pacing leisurely on a major interstate.  My annoyance slowly turns to fascination at this desert beast's ennui in the face of certain death. 

I contemplate a few potential back stories and decide that there are only two plausible scenarios. 

• His coyote wife is in labor in their den a few clicks beyond the interstate and he's pacing off the anxiety. 

• He is pledging a frat and his brothers stripped him naked, dumped him out on the highway 50 miles away from the house, and now he must find his way back. Blindfolded. And wasted.

It really is a win-win for me. If there are two things I love in this world, it's babies and hazing. But not baby hazing, because that is just wrong.