Proof That Jude Law Ruins Lives

I don't expect this to blow your mind, but G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra was the most ridiculous movie I've seen in recent memory. I truly wish that there was a way I could have recorded my internal monologue.  If that technology were available (seriously, what's taking so long?) it would have went a little like this:

Oh, Channing Tatum. You are delicious. And look at that little scar on your face. So mysterious. Wait, Marlon Wayons is in this? Dude, why is he getting old? Is he...balding? 

Yeah. Definitely balding. 

Is that Krista Allen? As in Billie from Days of Our Lives? And Nick's prostitute girlfriend from CSI? What? Can we say upgrade? 

Dennis Quaid!!! I love, Dennis Quaid. Oh, man. Remember when he was married to Meg Ryan? And then she totally messed around with Russell Crowe, destroyed her marriage and now her face looks like this? Team Dennis totally wins. And even though he's older, he's definitely still hot. Plus he's wearing a beret and pulling it off. Kudos. 

Brendan Fraser? What? What are you doing with your life? If this movie was made 10 years ago, you would have played Channing T's character, but alas you are now playing the rando Sergeant in the training montage.  Sigh. Rachel Weisz escaped the Mummy and went on to win an Oscar. You went on to make this. P.S. Yeah, Bridget Fonda was in that movie. But really, in the end it doesn't matter because his body of work is SO FUN. 

Oh. My. God.  That's not Billie from Days of Our Lives. It's SIENNA MILLER. What?! YEAH she was secretly hiding under her wig and glasses. So sneaky.  How did I not know this? Are times truly that hard? How did she go from "it girl" to playing a villainess with a terrible wig? Did Jude Law screw her life up that terribly? I'm going to go ahead and say yes. Probably because I hate Jude Law. Why does his American accent sound like that? Why is he so sketchy? Why did he force me to like him in The Holiday? 

JOSEPH GORDON LEVITT! Yeah you're in two movies this summer! Who saw that comeback coming? Not me. Well played, sir. I'm glad you didn't fade into childhood star oblivion. Mostly because Angels In the Outfield has a special place in my heart. Who remembers Dermot Mulroney playing JGL's deadbeat dad? 

JGL: "When will I see you again, Dad?" 

Dermot Mulroney in a sweet biker jacket: "When the Angels win the Pennant."  

Even my 8 year old self knew Dermot Mulroney was hot. Go, 8 year old me. 

Wait, what? Is this really the plot twist? Did M. Night Shyamalan ghost write this? Because that would be awesome.  But seriously, whoever wrote this needs to crawl into a corner and die. 

That was a pretty sweet explosion. 

Why is kettle corn not an option at movie theaters?

Yeah they incorporated an aircraft carrier! My future place of employment!

Here we go. Wait for it. Channing Tatum extending his acting horizons. So. Good. 

And fin.