It's Britney, bitch.

Once upon a time, Charles Barkley declared that he was not a role model. After hearing that news I promptly decided to model myself after him. Partly because I make good decisions and partly because he's a bald black dude who's got style. I've cycled through a few role models throughout my life: my mother, Charles, Michelle Kwan, Claire Huxtable, that homeless dude I saw that one time and Oprah (clearly). But now that I'm 26, I've decided that it's time for me to choose another one.

Britney Spears.

Before you start telling me how brilliant I am let me actually prove my argument.

Turning tragedy to triumph one horrible decision at a time

Sure she's made some epic mistakes. Like that time she broke up with Justin Timberlake (and cheated on him?) Or that time she walked through a gas station bathroom with absolutely no shoes on. Or that time she thought it would be a good idea to get wasted and marry her BFF from home. And then there was that time she married Kevin Federline. Good Lord, that was the worst. And eventually (this one is my favorite) she shaved her head and attacked a dude with an umbrella.

I haven't even mentioned the times she thought it was a good idea to befriend Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan, drove with her baby on her lap, showed her vajaj to the entire world, and then started dating a rando paparazzi man. Either way it got pretty sketchy for a second there. I remember turning to my BFF and being like "I don't think homegirl is going to make it".

But you know what? The bitch powered through. So at the end of the day I really have to give her credit for not...dying. That feat in itself is worthy of commendation and our admiration.

Right when things were borderline frightening she pulled herself together (read: her parents decided to finally step in) and she put out a string of hits that were more addictive than crack cocaine and possibly crystal meth. In contrast, her "Circus" album does not cause you to whore yourself for a score and/or to slowly lose all of your teeth. Win.

Forward Progress

Britney's music has always relied on clever production and I'm cool with that. I don't listen to B when I want to vibe to deep lyrics about heartbreak or cry over the purity of a vocal performance. That's when I listen to Ke$ha.

I listen to BSpears when I want to get drunk and dance. Give Femme Fatale a preview and you'll see what I'm talking about. I'm pretty sure that she (and by she I mean her producers) made that album with the intention of getting drunk people all over the world moving in a dancing frenzy. They have met their goal. If that's not a success, I don't know what is.

Real Woman

I stumbled on this video that juxtaposes old and new Britney performances.

I was depressed at first because it makes you realize how far she's fallen. But then I realized that I was being incredibly shallow. Um, of course she's not the spry, young, 20 year old that she used to be. You know what happened? 8 years, two babies, Kevin Federline, and a boat load of drugs. She's a little bigger and I appreciate that. Now that Jennifer Hudson went all size 4 on me I have no choice but to turn my hopes to people like Christina Hendricks, Adele, and Brit.

So I'm going to live by the Britney Spears Life Philosophy and 1) survive 2) meet and maybe exceed expectations and 3) eat as much pudding as I want.

Throwback Jam

Things I'm sad never survived the millennium:

Raccoon eye makeup

Zebra Cowboy Hats

702

p.s. can we just go ahead and say that Lady Gaga probably drew her inspiration for her "Bad Romance" dancers from this video?

Letters

Remember when we were young and filled with hopes and dreams? And we would write letters to our congressmen, heroes or to the Tooth Fairy, and Santa? Well, maybe not the Tooth Fairy. By the way, I still don't get that concept. Why would she want our nasty ass teeth? I suppose she did only pay a dollar, but still. I don't get it. Worst job ever.

Anyway, I'm sad that writing letters to complete strangers is now just a relic of my youth. For the sake of throwbacks I'll write one just for funsies.

Dear Enrique Iglesias,

I am writing to let you know that I appreciate you. Just in case Anna Kournikova isn't telling you enough. In all honesty, "Tonight I'm F***ing You" is a legitimately great dance song. Perfect tempo, sweet beats, and a solid guest spot by Luda. Good for you.

I even appreciate your consideration when you excuse yourself for being rude before straight up telling us that you'll be fucking us tonight. You were successful, which is something I can't say for Akon. After saying that he was trying to find a way to be respectful, he compared a girl to the neighborhood whore and then called her a bitch. Epic. Fail.

You are, without a doubt, the only positive thing to come out of Wild Wild West. Bailamos? Yes, why don't we.

And don't let anyone tell you that you were just riding the coattails of Ricky Martin and Marc Anthony. Because where are they now? Ricky is raising children (good for him) and Marc Anthony is being creepily skinny and probably having his life force being sucked out of him by Jenny From The Block. Neither of them are making sweet dance hits.

I also commend you for not ending up with Jennifer Love Hewitt. I was mildly worried after the Hero music video. The bottom line is that you're way too good for her. That's right. I said it. Name me one solid piece of work that she was in that she carried based solely on her own merit as an actress. Ghost Whisperer? GTFO. Party of Five and Can't Hardly Wait are ensemble works so they're automatically out. I'll take your silence as a sign that you agree and not because this is a letter and you have absolutely no ability to respond.

Your only misstep, in my humble opinion, was removing your mole. Come on, Enrique. COME ON. Seriously? That was your most distinctive feature! Especially since you rolled onto the scene when there were 10 other Latin dudes trying to make it big. Unless it was cancerous (and if it was, I feel like a complete douchebag), you had no reason to remove it.

However, if I put on my positive thinking hat, now Wilmer Valderrama can play you in your biopic. And maybe you should let Lindsay Lohan play Anna. Lord knows she needs some work.

Kbye,

Z

Something To Prove

I had an exhausting day at work yesterday, so naturally I decided to cope in a completely healthy way by eating my feelings (Taco Bell) and buying an absurd amount of DVDs. Who needs therapy when you have Mexican Pizzas and talking pictures?

Anyway, one of the movies was Ben Affleck's The Town. Everyone has been all about it, so I decided to give it a shot. Gone Baby Gone was surprisingly decent and I figured that it isn't like Ben Affleck is stretching much for this movie. Boston? Check. Crime? Check. Underrated brunette to play the female lead? Done.

Casey Affleck? Ok, well that's missing, but totally understandable. I mean I'm all for nepotism, but having your kid brother consecutively star in two of your movies is a little much. Part of the awesomeness of GBG was the solid star power and excellent character acting. Ed Harris as the crooked cop? Morgan Freeman as the wizened, old, head of police who fell from grace? There's not much room for failure in there.

Ben Affleck threw everything he had at his directorial debut to ensure that it wasn't Pearl Harbor: Part Deux. And he succeeded. It's obvious that with The Town, he was trying to prove that he could, you know, actually "direct". So he takes away the blue chip actors and throws together some raw, underrated, gritty talent. Like Jeremy Renner. And Blake Lively. Wait what?

Yeah, I know. Turns out she also has something to prove. To which I say to her: We all saw the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants, Blake. It's going to take more than one legit movie to come back from a shitty weave (shweave) and your inexplicably awkward running style.

The conclusion? I'm really glad Ben Affleck didn't marry JLo. Because instead of directing decent movies, he would be too busy devoting all his time to looking ridiculous. And evading his taxes.