Letters

Remember when we were young and filled with hopes and dreams? And we would write letters to our congressmen, heroes or to the Tooth Fairy, and Santa? Well, maybe not the Tooth Fairy. By the way, I still don't get that concept. Why would she want our nasty ass teeth? I suppose she did only pay a dollar, but still. I don't get it. Worst job ever.

Anyway, I'm sad that writing letters to complete strangers is now just a relic of my youth. For the sake of throwbacks I'll write one just for funsies.

Dear Enrique Iglesias,

I am writing to let you know that I appreciate you. Just in case Anna Kournikova isn't telling you enough. In all honesty, "Tonight I'm F***ing You" is a legitimately great dance song. Perfect tempo, sweet beats, and a solid guest spot by Luda. Good for you.

I even appreciate your consideration when you excuse yourself for being rude before straight up telling us that you'll be fucking us tonight. You were successful, which is something I can't say for Akon. After saying that he was trying to find a way to be respectful, he compared a girl to the neighborhood whore and then called her a bitch. Epic. Fail.

You are, without a doubt, the only positive thing to come out of Wild Wild West. Bailamos? Yes, why don't we.

And don't let anyone tell you that you were just riding the coattails of Ricky Martin and Marc Anthony. Because where are they now? Ricky is raising children (good for him) and Marc Anthony is being creepily skinny and probably having his life force being sucked out of him by Jenny From The Block. Neither of them are making sweet dance hits.

I also commend you for not ending up with Jennifer Love Hewitt. I was mildly worried after the Hero music video. The bottom line is that you're way too good for her. That's right. I said it. Name me one solid piece of work that she was in that she carried based solely on her own merit as an actress. Ghost Whisperer? GTFO. Party of Five and Can't Hardly Wait are ensemble works so they're automatically out. I'll take your silence as a sign that you agree and not because this is a letter and you have absolutely no ability to respond.

Your only misstep, in my humble opinion, was removing your mole. Come on, Enrique. COME ON. Seriously? That was your most distinctive feature! Especially since you rolled onto the scene when there were 10 other Latin dudes trying to make it big. Unless it was cancerous (and if it was, I feel like a complete douchebag), you had no reason to remove it.

However, if I put on my positive thinking hat, now Wilmer Valderrama can play you in your biopic. And maybe you should let Lindsay Lohan play Anna. Lord knows she needs some work.

Kbye,

Z