It's Britney, bitch.

Once upon a time, Charles Barkley declared that he was not a role model. After hearing that news I promptly decided to model myself after him. Partly because I make good decisions and partly because he's a bald black dude who's got style. I've cycled through a few role models throughout my life: my mother, Charles, Michelle Kwan, Claire Huxtable, that homeless dude I saw that one time and Oprah (clearly). But now that I'm 26, I've decided that it's time for me to choose another one.

Britney Spears.

Before you start telling me how brilliant I am let me actually prove my argument.

Turning tragedy to triumph one horrible decision at a time

Sure she's made some epic mistakes. Like that time she broke up with Justin Timberlake (and cheated on him?) Or that time she walked through a gas station bathroom with absolutely no shoes on. Or that time she thought it would be a good idea to get wasted and marry her BFF from home. And then there was that time she married Kevin Federline. Good Lord, that was the worst. And eventually (this one is my favorite) she shaved her head and attacked a dude with an umbrella.

I haven't even mentioned the times she thought it was a good idea to befriend Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan, drove with her baby on her lap, showed her vajaj to the entire world, and then started dating a rando paparazzi man. Either way it got pretty sketchy for a second there. I remember turning to my BFF and being like "I don't think homegirl is going to make it".

But you know what? The bitch powered through. So at the end of the day I really have to give her credit for not...dying. That feat in itself is worthy of commendation and our admiration.

Right when things were borderline frightening she pulled herself together (read: her parents decided to finally step in) and she put out a string of hits that were more addictive than crack cocaine and possibly crystal meth. In contrast, her "Circus" album does not cause you to whore yourself for a score and/or to slowly lose all of your teeth. Win.

Forward Progress

Britney's music has always relied on clever production and I'm cool with that. I don't listen to B when I want to vibe to deep lyrics about heartbreak or cry over the purity of a vocal performance. That's when I listen to Ke$ha.

I listen to BSpears when I want to get drunk and dance. Give Femme Fatale a preview and you'll see what I'm talking about. I'm pretty sure that she (and by she I mean her producers) made that album with the intention of getting drunk people all over the world moving in a dancing frenzy. They have met their goal. If that's not a success, I don't know what is.

Real Woman

I stumbled on this video that juxtaposes old and new Britney performances.

I was depressed at first because it makes you realize how far she's fallen. But then I realized that I was being incredibly shallow. Um, of course she's not the spry, young, 20 year old that she used to be. You know what happened? 8 years, two babies, Kevin Federline, and a boat load of drugs. She's a little bigger and I appreciate that. Now that Jennifer Hudson went all size 4 on me I have no choice but to turn my hopes to people like Christina Hendricks, Adele, and Brit.

So I'm going to live by the Britney Spears Life Philosophy and 1) survive 2) meet and maybe exceed expectations and 3) eat as much pudding as I want.